If you or someone you are close to has experienced a miscarriage or stillbirth, first and foremost, I want to say I am so sorry. I empathetically wish this weren't happening to you. And I hope you will gain some ease of mind through this post.
- It is not your fault:
- It wasn't because you kept to your long runs in the mornings. It wasn't that single glass of wine you had when you didn't even know you were pregnant yet. Or the two day old mystery takeout food in the fridge you probably shouldn't have eaten ( for other reasons). Honestly, unless you were a chain smoker with raging diabetes and a predisposition for abdominal trauma, the very strong likelihood is that you didn't bring this on yourself. This wasn't something you could have predicted or prevented. If it was, we would have made sure you wouldn't be here right now. So take a deep breath and cut yourself some slack.
- It may never make sense:
- If it wasn't something you did, than what was it? Why did this happen? I humbly admit that pregnancy is still a wildly perplexing, yet concurrently resilient beast of nature. You could very well be the chain smoker and raging diabetic, yet carry to term. Paradoxically, if the pregnancy is not equipped to get past a certain stage, it wouldn't matter if you stayed in bed from the moment of conception- it may still not work out. The horrible truth of life is, 1 in 4 pregnancies end up in miscarriages. Maintaining a healthy lifestyle is paramount to maximize your chances of a healthy pregnancy. But having a loss doesn't mean there is anything wrong with the cooks in the kitchen. Or the ingredients. Heck, even the oven is-a-blazing. Despite our best efforts, sometimes the recipe just doesn't turn out right.
- Its ok to take as much (or as little) time as you need
- It doesn't matter how far along you were or if this has happened before. Each pregnancy means something different for each woman. And the grieving process is just as specific. You may want to isolate yourself or withdraw from family and friends who knew you were expecting. You may want to openly celebrate the brief time you shared with your little being and memorialize the pregnancy. You may want to cry all the time. Or be ready to start talking about trying again within the next cycle. What ever your process is, there is no wrong or right way or amount of time to grieve. You do you.
- Be patient with your partner
- You may feel like you are going through this alone, or that your partner seems to be moving on at a different pace than you. In times like this, it is important to remember that everyone has a different coping mechanism. Though your partner might not overtly be grieving, keep in mind that they did not have the chance to connect and share in the growing life inside of you in the same manner as you did. They may also feel like they have to be strong for you or finally have a reaction much later, when you seem to be doing better. Be there for each other. Ask for what you need in the way of support. Take some time away together. The loss of a child, no matter at what stage of life, can prove to be a grave stress on the bond between two parents to be . Being patient and supportive of each others process can help prevent buckling during such a hard time.
- Be proactive:
- Most often, there is no specific recurring cause for pregnancy loss, and you don't have to do anything different before you start trying again.
- Rarely, some medical conditions such as diabetes, thyroid disorders, hypertension, and autoimmune disorders can lead to a predisposition towards pregnancy loss. Talk to your Obstetrician about what steps you should take before you start trying again including blood work, life style and medication modifications.
If you have any questions or want to share your story, please don't hesitate!
As always, be happy, be healthy!